Tag Archives: parenting

The Night Visit Pass

You deserve some time to yourself in the evening. Every parent (or grandparent) does. You might want to read, watch a show, or take a bath and hone your mindfulness practice in the bubbles.

Yet our young children have a habit of interrupting this much needed relaxation—often when we have used up our daily quota of NICE. These interruptions might happen many times an evening. And later on, in the middle of the night. Here’s a little trick I read about in a parenting magazine many moons ago. |

It’s the NIGHT VISIT PASS. Make a credit-card sized pass, DIY, as plain or fancy as you’d like it. (But shhh…don’t let your child see that YOU made it. It just happened to appear!) Cover the pass with a piece of clear contact paper or packaging tape to protect the pass from drool and sweaty palms. You’ll be re-using it for an indefinite amount of time.

Introduce the pass this way: “Here’s a pass so you can come out of your room if you need something.” Give examples like needing a sip of water, an extra hug, or help in the bathroom. Now this is critical. Tell them, “You can use this pass ONE TIME each night. I will keep the pass safe after you use it till tomorrow. Remember, you can only use it once. There will be some initial testing. BE STRONG. And neutral. “Oh, bummer. You used the pass already. Don’t worry, you can get it back tomorrow at bedtime.” My kids usually saved their pass “just in case” they had a nightmare. which means I rarely saw them after I tucked them in.

Hopefully, you’ve introduced mindfulness techniques like counting their breaths, or watching their tummies rise and fall as they breath. Assure them that they know how to self-soothe in these ways, stay calm, and drift off to sleep. Keep the NIGHT VISIT PASS in a special envelope that your child decorated, taped to a door or wall near their bed, where it will become part of your nighttime routine.

SHOW ME

Pre-verbal children are easily frustrated when they can’t get you to understand their needs. Toddlers especially have more ideas than words to describe them. They usually resort to the very effective communication strategy of crying and screaming. It’s hard to stay calm and be mindful amid this chaos.

This is where the phrase, “SHOW ME” comes in handy: “SHOW ME what you are hungry for.” “SHOW ME where your arm hurts.” You are simultaneously acknowledging that they are trying to make their needs known, and placing that challenge back on their plate. It’s sooooo easy to do things for our child. Easier for us, easier for them—in the short run. In the long run, we want them to communicate calmly and effectively. This cannot be done with the primitive brain. Ideally, SHOW ME will teach them to calm down, and center themselves. To be in mindful mode.


SHOW ME is also helpful as children get a bit older. Instead of “Do you have homework tonight?” try “SHOW ME what you have to work on tonight for school.” The first method allows your child to give a one word response, which is often NO. Where do you go from here? (Hint: to a power struggle if you insist on them proving it.)

SHOW ME is actually a command. This is best done in a mindful state, in order for it to be a gentle command—one that doesn’t put a child on the defense. The closer to puberty, the touchier they get, and the quicker they shut down. Best to create the SHOW ME habit from an early age.


Note: you may have to limit some choices. If “SHOW ME what you want to eat” leads to cookies, that puts you in a bind. An easier way would be to set two or three acceptable choices on the table, then ask them to show you. Same with clothes. If SHOW ME leads to their swim suit in winter, for goodness sake, hide the swim suit. And anything else that is a NO in your book.

What is The Mindful Playhouse?

Caring for children requires patience and finesse. When busy and stressed, it’s common to overreact. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher or caregiver, “time out” won’t get you far. But who has time to read all those parenting books?

For 30 years, I’ve worked with young children; I’ve raised three girls, just 29 months between them. While in the trenches, I’ve developed a deep bag of tricks. Some come from favorite books* and articles. Some I’ve borrowed or adapted from friends. Others, I’ve concocted on the fly. I present them here in SHORT bytes, ready to use.

In the heat of the frustrating moment, it can be hard to access knowledge and skills. Mindfulness is a trendy word to toss around. easy to say, more difficult to implement. Within these tips & tricks, I share a bit of child development information. just enough to help you wrap your head around why your child may be struggling.

Read. Practice. Fine tune these problem solving skills to your child’s needs. Soon your bag of tricks will grow; using them will become second nature. You’ll find yourself more relaxed and able to parent in a mindful way, rather than a reactive way. And you’ll all have a better experience.

*How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
*Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime
*Parenting With Love And Logic